Know-It-All Guy

Yesterday, at roughly 1:30 pm I wrapped up my first set of seated rows. 12 reps down, 36 to go. Get 'er done. That was the mindset...until I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. I tried to get up. Too late. I turned my music up. Not loud enough. I closed my eyes. He opened them. Ok, not really, but this guy knows how to do everything else, at least in his own mind. You know a guy just like him. Everybody does. Know-It-All Guy.

This guy should be a contestant on the Biggest Loser, but he thinks he's got the perfect workout plan for Jillian Michaels. He can pick out the perfect exfoliating scrub without ever looking at your face. He never finished 1st grade, yet he can teach you all about American history. He gambles and wins...every. time. He is both a night owl and an early riser. He only drinks scotch. He only watches Scorsese films. He shot free throws with Shaq, sang karaoke with Lindsey Lohan and wrote speeches for George W. Bush. He corrects wikipedia in his free time. He is always right, even if wikipedia says he's wrong. Forget speaking only when spoken to, this guy speaks when there is nobody to speak to. He shouts...over everybody else..from across the room. He answers even if he doesn't hear the question. He is everywhere. The bathroom, the break room, the steam room. He hates awkward silence, yet loves awkward greetings. He knows more about you than you know about yourself...even though he's never heard you complete a sentence. He loves to analyze people and his analysis is spot on. He thinks Lebron James is humble, Mother Teresa was a scumbag and Tom Cruise is ready to take over for the Pope.

I did not escape Know-It-All guy yesterday. He actually opened my eyes by tapping on my shoulder. He then informed me that I needed to lean back a bit more on my seated rows. The man that, on a good day, looks like John Goodman has now taught me how to target my obliques, add 10lbs. to my bench, perfect my treadmill stride, avoid shoulder fatigue and correctly perform seated rows. Maybe the man should write a book. I know one guy who would buy it...Know-It-All Guy. The man that knows everything, except the fact that nobody likes him.